How to keep your relationship alive when you’re stuck at home because of COVID-19
Well, I never thought I’d find inspiration for a blog from a pandemic, but here we are! If you are like the overwhelming majority of couples stuck at home with your family, watching the 24 hour news cycle, you’re probably experiencing a combination of dread, anxiety and helplessness. Is it safe to go outside? Did we stock up enough pasta in the pantry? Wish we hadn’t thrown away those half empty bottles of hand sanitizers! Will I still have a job on the other side of this? Can I keep my family healthy? Does all of this sound familiar? Well, you’re not alone.
You are now both constantly home, partly working, some of you are also partly homeschooling, and you’re fully getting on each other’s last nerve! So today, I’m going to share some suggestions to help your relationship thrive during this period of social distancing, shelter-in-place-ing — and by the way, when we get our normal way of life back?!
REMEMBER THAT THIS IS STRESSFUL FOR EVERYONE
Remember that everyone is under a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety. During times of uncertainty and threat, we go into survival mode, becoming hyper focused on ourselves. The emotional nervous system of your brain (the amygdala) is on fire — fight, flight, or curl-up into a ball. By extension we become less tolerant of others and more likely to snap at our partners and our children. As conflict arises in a couple, cooped up at home, it’s important to recognize the unprecedented nature of the stressors we’re all enduring. External stressors are taxing on a marriage, even on the strongest ones. When there’s friction, tell yourself “This is very stressful for both of us. We are both doing our best.” Try to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
BE COLLABORATIVE AND TACTICAL
When we’ve lost our daily routines and yet we’re expected to go about business as usual from the confines of our own homes, it’s critical for couples to be collaborative and tactical. While there is nothing normal about what we are going through, some broad structures will help you both feel a bit more in control. Begin by creating a new structure to your days — what time is it best for each of you to wake up to get the most done? When will you be taking lunch breaks to come back together during the day? What time is it reasonable to end the day? Additionally, agree to check in every night for 15 -20mins to discuss what you have going on for the next day. So if that’s sharing your conference-calls schedules, what the children have to do, any of their activities that require a Zoom set-up, any groceries that need to be picked up. Remember that you are on the same team. One of you can be on a conference call while the other handles the kids, then you switch. When there are two working parents, you must switch roles several times in the day — one can’t be on work calls all day while the other one is left playing teacher/housekeeper. The more coordinated and organized you are, the strong your partnership will be through this difficult period.
CARVE OUT TIME TO RECENTER YOURSELF
As the days are morphing into one giant 24/7 family/work/life cycle, it’s a critical time to intentionally carve out moments to be alone. Share with each other the need for some time alone, how long (be reasonable), and what that time will look like. Being together constantly will lead to more tension and frustration. Time alone is intended to help the relationship — not create disconnection.
While we don’t have control over our world, or of how our partner manages stress (everyone has their own coping strategies), it’s essential that we take responsibility for our own actions and how we show up in the relationship. So be mindful about this time you have to yourself. For instance, do 10 minutes of meditation, stretch, do a brief yoga session, go for a run, and definitely take time to go outside to be in nature (with all the necessary precautions of social distancing). Stress lives in our bodies, so grounding our minds and moving our bodies will help release that stress.
As you begin to experience a release of stress (along with better emotion regulation as a result of grounding exercises) encourage your partner to do the same. Even though you may have agreed that you would both be taking some alone time, it’s possible that one of you doesn’t feel a real permission to do so. Offer to take the kids for a bit so that your spouse can also get some exercise, meditate, and get some fresh air. Not only will it be beneficial for your partner, it will go a long way to model care, compassion, and support for one another.
CREATE MOMENTS OF SIMPLE CONNECTION
While we can’t make our usual date night plans, we can be thoughtful in creating moments of meaningful connection throughout the day. Loving touch and affection will help you connect emotionally by calming your nervous systems. This is not an invitation to have sex if you’re not both in the mood. The focus should be on affection and connection, not on imposing needs. So, cuddling in front of the fireplace at the end of a long day sends your brain the message that you are not alone and promotes a sense of belonging even during these unprecedented times. Create a little picnic in the living room, light some candles and share a meal together (and support your local restaurants that really need your help right now!). Go for a walk around the neighborhood together — use that not to talk about everything that’s stressing you out. Instead find some comfort in the simple togetherness of walking in tandem. Do something nice and thoughtful for your partner to convey that you are still connected even if things are tense at times.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER
What makes this time particularly stressful and unnerving is not knowing when the end point will be. We don’t have a date when we know we can just go back to normal. Please remember that this is temporary and not forever. Yes, it’s not like a snow-day that you just need to get through. It’s definitely a longer tunnel that requires patience, but again it’s temporary — we will get through this! When we get to the other side of this COVID-19/shelter-in-place, what do you want your relationships to look like? Do you want your heart to break as you look at what’s left of yourselves OR do you want to be able to say “Man this was so tough, but we all did our best and we learned to appreciate what we have”? I hope it’s the latter. So, I encourage you to practice daily gratitude for all the the important things that fill your heart. It’s so easy to focus on all the negatives right now, which is why it’s so important that you make time for the things you’re grateful for today. Not only does practicing gratitude reduce anxiety and stress, it improves how we relate and engage with others, along with building resiliency and hopefulness. You will get through this, so I hope it will be with a sense of connection and greater appreciation that everything you need is right beside you.
If you are having a hard time during this period and could use some extra support, I am available for online therapy. CONTACT ME to schedule.
