Secrets and how to begin untangling yourself from them
We all have secrets. They come in all shapes and sizes: there are those that were passed on from our families of origin, those we’ve been told never to utter, those that we keep from ourselves, and those that we keep from our partners. When couples come to see me, often times I become part of their secret. And sometimes, they reach out on the heels of the revelation of a secret — some breach of trust that sends their marriage into crisis. It’s my role, as their couples therapist, to help them navigate these very difficult conversations.
Secrets and what we do with them require a nuanced process, especially in the context of long-term committed intimate relationships.
When two people choose to merge their lives, there’s an implicit understanding that there will be no secrets between them. We expect complete transparency, sadly often times at the expense of maintaining much needed separateness — conflating secrecy with privacy. After all, if you know every nook and cranny of your partner’s inner landscape, what is left to be curious about and discover?
When I meet with each partner individually, a new circle of trust (read, secrecy) can form — when a partner reveals a secret to me that they have never shared with their spouse. These can be traumas from their childhood, past behaviors that no longer fit with their current ways of being in the world, family secrets that they’ve never processed,…. and of course, private thoughts they’ve had about their partner, things that have gone unsaid, unaddressed, often out of fear (and sometimes shame) of the anticipated impact these will have on the marriage. Over the years, I’ve heard things like, “I don’t know if I love her anymore,” “I’ve been so resentful of him, I can’t even sit in the same room,” “I dread having sex with her,” “I hooked up with someone the night before our wedding,” “I think I’ve been unhappy for at least 10 years.” Ouch. All of those would be incredibly painful to hear if you’re on the receiving end, so there’s great value in gently unpacking it both in individual sessions and in a meaningful way, in couples sessions.
As a therapist, hired to help a couple improve or heal the relationship, I find myself having to wrestle with the idea of secrets all the time.
I’m deeply humbled that clients feel safe with me and can release these secrets in my presence. Most of these secrets are truly part of each partner’s private life — sexual abuse by a neighbor, a mother’s alcoholism that no one in the family ever talked about, a history of drug abuse, an overwhelming feeling of emptiness that the person has mastered hiding from others. The list goes on. And while I truly believe none of those are my secrets to reveal, they do inform my understanding to how this person shows up and gets stuck in their relationships. Eventually, as the couple establishes secure connection, it’s possible for these personal secrets to be revealed, deepening the couple’s bond. And some of these secrets remain private, to be processed with a therapist; eventually the person is released from the weight of these secrets — unburdened and free to be their best self.
“But what about their thoughts and feelings about their partner?” you might wonder. Well, helping clients understand the good reasons they’ve come to believe that they should keep these thoughts/feelings private is an important first step — if the relationship didn’t matter to them so much, they would not be so afraid to rock the boat. Helping partners share how they both work so hard to maintain and contain the relationship is part of the process of couples therapy.. While I’m not a proponent of sharing every passing thought with a partner, the broader thematic narrative are in fact essential to put forth to create the relationship they want. At their own pace, in their own time, the core of these kinds of secrets are revealed and integrated into the relationship.
No secret is quite as earth shattering as the disclosure of an infidelity. Having worked with countless couples navigate the uncertain and dangers water to work through infidelities, I do encourage as much transparency as possible from the person who’s lived a secret life. I remind them that while they may feel some relief at having their secret revealed, they will need to hold stead, because the revelation is only the beginning of the healing journey — one isn’t suddenly absolved of guilt. While the affair was a secret that lived between the spouse and the affair-partner, the disclosure of an infidelity brings the betrayed partner into that space, now binding him/her to the spouse who had the affair (and indirectly to the affair-partner), at the exclusion of their kids, extended families, friends. Secrets move and reshape relationships. Shame frequently is an active agent in this process: Shame and secrecy are so intertwined —- secrecy can beget shame, and shame begets more secrecy. This confluence can bind the couple as they work through their marriage.
There are some key questions I hold in mind and ask my clients when working with secrets in relationships* — this is true for couples therapy and in individual therapy:
What do you believe about secrets?
How did you come to believe that?
What do you think your partner’s beliefs are about secrets?
What are the rules about secrets in your marriage?
Whose secret is it?
What are the effects of keeping this secret on you? On your relationship?
Is this secret holding valuable information that your partner would benefit from knowing to make an informed decision about the relationship?
How would your relationship be altered at opening this secret?
There’s no singular way think about secrets. As you ponder these questions, you may find how ubiquitous they are in all relationships, how powerful secrets are, and that they change shape and meaning depending on the person and context.
* These questions are inspired by Evan Imber-Black’s articles about secrets.
