Creating Meaningful Couples Therapy Goals - Part 2
In my previous entry about creating meaningful couples therapy goals, I discussed the essential need for a couple to have a shared vision of the relationship they are working towards. One that makes them both excited to create together and sustain.
In order to get there, you will need to take stock of your current contributions that perpetuate your negative cycle: what are you (not your partner!) currently doing or not doing that you’d be doing differently in the future relationship you want together?
“How am I going to grow and evolve as part of this process?”
Sit with this proposition for a minute. I realize it’s not something most people focus on when they’re coming to a therapist’s office to work on their marriage.
A relationship is a system and your are an active part of creating this system. When you start crafting your couples therapy goals think about the questions that pertain to you and your personal goals:
In the relationship you are working towards together, how will you show up differently?
How will you respond to your partner differently?
If I were watching a clip from your interactions, how will I be able to tell that you’re starting to do something differently?
What do you need to stop doing and start doing instead? Be specific.
How far off are you from the kind of partner you need to be in order to have the relationship you long to have? Be honest.
While the saying goes, “It takes two to tango,” waiting around with your arms crossed for your partner to start acting differently means relinquishing the power you hold in your marriage to someone else. If your focus is on your significant other, then you will show up week after week to therapy complaining about how he/she hasn’t changed yet… How frustrating! Your partner will feel under the microscope and be very defensive to anything you have to say.
You’re spending your energy, time and money to go to couples counseling, you might as well use the therapist’s expertise to help you grow and change. There are many circumstances that are out of our control, but how we respond to them is in our control. It’s a choice you make in every moment regardless of the limitations you are challenged with currently.
