Are you a lie invitee?
We all know about the liar: the person who deceives, withholds, covers up, who looks their partner in the eyes and chooses to tell a lie. This partner has made systematic choices to deceive and poison the relationship. There is a whole spectrum of lies and not all lies are created equal.
No one wants to be lied to. We want an open, honest, transparent relationship. Often times, we assume that total transparency is the implicit contract we have between us. When a partner breaks that contract, we understandably feel deeply betrayed and disoriented.
When processing any form of betrayal, after the initial period of crisis, I invite the hurt partner to define the qualities necessary to rebuild honesty. Needless to say, the focus is usually just on the person who broke trust: “he/she needs to do x, y, z to regain my trust!”
While there is a long road ahead to regain trust, this is where I often invite the hurt partner to do a U-turn and see how they may have been a lie invitee. This is not a commonly used concept and it’s one I borrow from the Bader/Pearson Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.
What is a lie-invitee?
It’s the person who, over the course of the relationship, reacted in defended ways that conveyed to the other partner that uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires are not tolerable. Defensive moves look like: throwing a fit, minimizing, dismissing, falling apart, belittling the other, deflecting, or punishing. These protective moves are a multitude of ways we send a signal to the other person that says “I cannot handle anything that feels uncomfortable or challenging my perceptions of you, me or our relationship.”
When rebuilding after a betrayal, it becomes incumbent upon both partners to mutually develop internal and relational capacities to invite honesty. Take a moment to think about what are the values and capacities that will be required of you to invite honest. What will you need to learn to manage inside of yourself to know that you are doing your part? How will you bolster the part of you that wants to convey, “I am strong enough and have enough faith in us to talk about anything, even if I feel a little shaky inside”? What are the grounding tools that you will rely on to regain your footing when something feels uncomfortable?
How you handle the continuum of challenges through differentiation is what will allow you together to create a new relationship where you are both accountable to hold steady in all conversations.
Find out more about how to create a mutually honest and respectful relationship.
