Setting Meaningful Couples Therapy Goals - Part 1
When couples seek therapy, they are focused on two things: the problem and their partner — sometimes, they seem like one in the same. Understandably, we are so consumed by what’s not working that we have no sense of what we want (other than making the problem go away!). And because we’re acutely aware of what’s happening TO us, we can name a 100 things that’s wrong with our partner with hardly any insight of our own contributions. This does not make for helpful couples therapy goals.
If you’ve been to couples therapy or have fantasies of going, at the top of your agenda would be “We want better communication and intimacy.” Fair enough, but what does that mean? Your therapist can nod and start the work, but that is agreeing to embark on a frustrating journey for everyone involved.
When preparing to go to couples counseling, begin by focusing on crafting your “North Star” — as in your vision for your relationship. It’s important to ask yourself some of these questions:
What is the relationship you want to create?
What do you want to feel when you’re reunited with your partner?
How will normally difficult moments that cause such tension between you play out differently?
How will you talk about challenging issues in a collaborative way?
As you’re answering these questions, notice how it feels in your body to envision this better relationship. What are the sensations and feelings that arise for you? Do you feel excited about what your relationship or marriage could become?
If you don’t have a vision of the relationship you want, how will you know you’re getting any closer? Couples counseling is some of the hardest therapy work out there: you have two people, with their respective baggages they’ve brought into the relationship, and now add life stress — you have a combustible situation in your hands. When things get hard in sessions, what will keep you motivated to keep going if you don’t have a meaningful goals for the relationship?
Next time, I will share the second part of creating meaningful couples therapy goals.
